Friday, January 04, 2008

Some Serious Theology- Are you a Tramplian or an Offalist?

re-post

You may be sick of the Calvinist/ Arminian debate, so let me introduce you to some new theological terms; Tramplian and Offalist.

Tramplians like to trample the carpets or flooring of their homes with their shoes on. They find it rather objectionable to be asked to remove their shoes when visiting somebody else's home.

The central principle in Tramplian theology is the freedom of the will. They believe that they should be the ones to decide whether they take their shoes off at a dinner party. Their attitude is "I decided what outfit to wear. I decided what shoes to wear. I should be able to keep them on if I like". They do not believe that a hostess should impose shoelessness on them.

Tramplians have a strong belief in the goodness of hosts. They consider that a hostess should be above all concerned for her guests wishes and convenience above keeping her home clean. They believe that if a hostess likes them enougth to invite them into her home, she will accept them with their shoes on.

Tramplians believe in the power of their own ability to keep their shoes clean. They consider themselves to be grown-up and to be careful about what they tread on. They do acknowledge that their shoes can be tainted by the corruption of dirty streets, however they hold that this can easily be dealt with by wiping their feet on their hostess' doormat. Their shoes can be restored to cleanliness by the exercise of their will.

Offalists in contrast, always remove their shoes at the door. Offalists believe in the Total Depravity of the soles of their shoes. The corruption of city streets has completely ruined the condition of their shoes, they argue, and the only hope is a change of nature for their feet, namely into slippers or clean socks. The Offalist pays heed to warnings about the health risks of pesticide, lead paint and animal excrement.

The Offalist upholds the sovereignty of the host. The hostess has been very generous in inviting her guests, however, she is sovereign over her own home and has the authority to set the rules. She will not allow anything corrupt to defile her home. Those who would enter her home must not come in their own shoes, but must meet her condition of a change into slippers or stocking feet.

The Offalist holds that the root problem of the Tramplian's theology is human pride. The Tramplian is proud of her ability to make decisions about her outfit. She is proud of her Manolos, her Prada heels or her Jimmy Choo boots. She is too proud to combine her outfit with stocking feet. She resents the idea that her hostess would not accept her in her own shoes.

The Offalist argues that if the Tramplian would only forsake her pride, she would actually find that she was far more comfortable in slippers, socks or bare feet. Her determination to remain in her stilettos will in the end hurt her feet and drag her to destruction. She may well remain outside the dinner party in the outer darkness.

4 comments:

Sacramento Bob said...

OK, here's another re-write, moving the pejorative tone 180 degrees:

You may be sick of the Calvinist/ Arminian debate, so let me introduce you to some new theological terms; Offalist and Tramplian.

Offalists like to preserve the carpets or flooring of their homes for some future buyer of their home. They find it rather objectionable to think that someone would actually enter their home without taking their shoes off.

The central principle in Offalist theology is the absolute control over anyone who enters their home. They believe that they should be free to demand that people must take their shoes off at a dinner party. Their attitude is "This is my house. I should be able to tell people what they can and can’t wear here". They do not believe that a guest should presume to be allowed to keep their shoes on upon entering their home.

Offalists have a strong belief in the supreme power of hosts. They consider that a guest should be above all concerned for her hostess’s wishes and convenience above keeping making themselves feel at home. They believe that if a guest likes them enough to come into their home, she will accept them even when told that they must remove their shoes.

Offalists believe that all shoes are inherently dirty and germ-filled. They consider themselves to be safeguarding their property and the health of their families against terrible hazards. They do acknowledge that their guests’ shoes can be cleaned on a doormat, however they hold that this can never fully remove the unseen hazards to house and home. Their guests’ shoes can never be restored to cleanliness by anything they might do before entering the house.

Tramplians, in contrast, never remove their shoes at the door. Tramplians believe in the general cleanliness of the soles of their shoes. The corruption of city streets doesn’t permanently alter the condition of their shoes, they argue, and the wiping them on doormats generally provides sufficient cleansing for all but the most fastidious host. The Tramplian pays no heed to hysterical warnings about the health risks of pesticide, lead paint and animal excrement, observing that shoes are allowed in public restaurants and the finest hotels.

The Tramplian upholds the notion that the hostess intends her guests to feel at home. The hostess has been very generous in inviting her guests and certainly wouldn’t place unreasonable demands on them just to avoid having to sweep the floor afterwards. She will not allow anything to stand in the way of making her guests feel at home. Those who would enter her home in their own shoes must surely feel more comfortable that way so to ask them to do otherwise would be imposing.

The Tramplian holds that the root problem of the Offalist’s theology is human pride. The Offalist is proud of her ability to keep her carpets and floors looking as though no one has ever set foot in her house. She is proud of her unblemished hardwood floors, her antiseptic carpets that one can lounge on (providing he/she has taken a shower within the past two hours). She is too proud to allow her guests to see a heel scuff or a smudge of dirt on her floors. She resents the idea that her guests would not accept her uncustomary rules of home cleanliness when invited to her home.

The Tramplian argues that if the Offalist would only forsake her pride, she would actually find that there would be little danger that her house would be ruined or that her family would inexplicably fall deathly ill. Her determination to put cleanliness ahead of hospitality will ultimately cause her to lose friends and drag her to destruction. She may well find herself with no one attending her dinner parties.

Sacramento Bob

Dyspraxic Fundamentalist said...

You are a clever chap.

Clare said...

OFFAList? Ew... Poor choice of word there, methinks.

Dyspraxic Fundamentalist said...

Clare, this post is meant to be a lighthearted parody about debates in Christian theology.

The term is meant to suggest 'offal.'

Thanks for visiting.